Friday, May 28, 2010

I love you all the time

I thought I had reached a sense of peace, a level of faith that I would trust God to do His best for our boys and for us, a trust that He loved them so much and has good, good plans for them and yet right now it really, really hurts.

This morning I was thinking about Michael and the words that came to me were: You have never been unloved.

I have prayed for a little boy in Africa for the past 5 years. I remember well the first time that feeling came over me and I knew that I had a little son in Africa.

And for Varney: You have never been unwanted.

I am going to Liberia in October to visit the boys if nothing new happens with the adoption. I try to imagine meeting them. I want to spend so much time with them. I want to stay at their house and be with them. I have avoided this trip so far; I could have gone sooner, but I didn't want to endure the pain. When I told one of my friends that I was going she asked me, "How will you leave?" I thought she meant how will I make arrangements to leave my family in Eau Claire, but she meant how will I leave my boys in Liberia. I don't know. I really don't. But I know in my heart that it's time to make this trip.

I hope that I fully live and love and laugh in Liberia and save my tears for the long flight home. I don't want to hold back anything. What have I got to lose? Part of my heart is already in Liberia.

One of my lines came back to me from a friend recently: Don't waste the pain.
I often say let your brokenness become the gift you have to give a hurting world. I'm not sure I know what this gift I am given will be, but I don't want it to be wasted.

This is not the journey I would have chosen, but it is the one I have been given. I chose to embrace it all. Joy and sorrow are part of the same cup and the One who gives it is good.

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