It's Christmas time again and you're not home...

Lyrics from Third Day's song "Merry Christmas"

But half a world away I hang
The stockings by the fire
And dream about the day
When I can finally call you mine

It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
So tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in His arms
And tell you from my heart, I wish you a Merry Christmas

Every year for the past 5 years I've gone through this gut wrenching struggle of preparing for another Christmas season with the realization that it's another Christmas without Michael. And every year I can't stop myself from thinking...maybe next year. 

I sometimes wish we didn't hang up his stocking, again. But, it's a tradition now. He has his own box for the ornaments I faithfully add to his collection every year. 

This year it's really hard. Mark and I have several dear friends that will have their adopted children home by Christmas this year. And with all my heart I want to celebrate with them. I really do. I wish I could, without thinking about myself, and my little boy, who isn't so little anymore, and the hopes and dreams I've had for him. And how precious the memories of being with him are.

I love adoption too, but...

I just watched the most beautiful video about a wonderful family that has adopted kids from all over the world with various special needs. It was inspiring. It was touching. It was bittersweet. I love adoption too, but my story looks so different from what I thought it would.

I thought five years ago when we bought a bigger house and an eight passenger van that we would walk through the challenging process of adoption and begin an adventure of being an adoptive family. I thought when I bought letter stickers and put them over the bunk beds we set up for the little boys I was sure would come soon that I would tuck them in those beds someday. I have changed the sized of the clothes in the dresser more times than I can count as I pack the things to bring to my son in Liberia over and over again.

There are days I give up hope that he will ever come to live with us. There are times I stop praying. My heart just says, "God, You know."

And I live between the memories of seeing him and the dreams of seeing him again. I cherish the moments of holding him while he slept, of cuddling with him, seeing his eyes light up to see me. Even the regular things like preparing a plate of food for him or helping him get dressed. I am grateful that I have a "history" with him, the "remember when" moments. One of the most wonderful and most painful times ever was when Mark and I gave Michael a birthday party. I actually brought a chocolate cake in my carry on. Crazy, I know. I brought balloons and candles. We sang happy birthday and he blew out candles. All the children shared the cake. When it was over, Mark held me as we walked and I sobbed over all the birthdays we had missed.

Adoption. A word with so much emotion. So many stories. I never would have chosen this one for me. I can't imagine what my life would have looked like without it.

"Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers any more. Only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal." C.S. Lewis

At first I didn't think I could go to Liberia because I didn't know if I could bear meeting a little boy I loved so much and leave him. What I didn't realize was the greater challenge was having a little boy love me and break his heart when I left him. I didn't see that one coming. Was the love we shared worth the pain it caused us? I was a grown up, I chose the pain, but he was a child. Was it fair to him? I had to believe that the joy was worth the pain, for both of us.