I love you all the time

I thought I had reached a sense of peace, a level of faith that I would trust God to do His best for our boys and for us, a trust that He loved them so much and has good, good plans for them and yet right now it really, really hurts.

This morning I was thinking about Michael and the words that came to me were: You have never been unloved.

I have prayed for a little boy in Africa for the past 5 years. I remember well the first time that feeling came over me and I knew that I had a little son in Africa.

And for Varney: You have never been unwanted.

I am going to Liberia in October to visit the boys if nothing new happens with the adoption. I try to imagine meeting them. I want to spend so much time with them. I want to stay at their house and be with them. I have avoided this trip so far; I could have gone sooner, but I didn't want to endure the pain. When I told one of my friends that I was going she asked me, "How will you leave?" I thought she meant how will I make arrangements to leave my family in Eau Claire, but she meant how will I leave my boys in Liberia. I don't know. I really don't. But I know in my heart that it's time to make this trip.

I hope that I fully live and love and laugh in Liberia and save my tears for the long flight home. I don't want to hold back anything. What have I got to lose? Part of my heart is already in Liberia.

One of my lines came back to me from a friend recently: Don't waste the pain.
I often say let your brokenness become the gift you have to give a hurting world. I'm not sure I know what this gift I am given will be, but I don't want it to be wasted.

This is not the journey I would have chosen, but it is the one I have been given. I chose to embrace it all. Joy and sorrow are part of the same cup and the One who gives it is good.

the waiting

Sometimes is gets hard to have people ask if we have any updates, not because I don't want people to ask, I do, it means a lot to know so many people remember and care, but because we so often don't have any update. (Sorry for the really long awkward sentence)

Well, Liberia has decided to become a Hague country, which for those who don't know, means that they will join the many countries that have signed on to international adoption standards. That's the easiest way I can explain it. Well, there are no Hague accredited adoption agencies in Liberia, so we have to find one that is interested in applying. We have a friend working on that. After we apply to that agency, we will have to wait to see when Liberia will be accepting new adoption cases. In the mean time, we are updating our home study, s l o w l y. Because, really, why hurry?

I have it in my heart to go to Liberia at the end of August, but unless something really miraculous happens, that is unlikely.

And if I can really share my heart, trying to understand God's good plan for the boys and for us is really hard. Actually, last weekend I had a sort of breakthrough. I remembered that God is the Father to the fatherless and He is the one who puts orphans in families. He does love our boys. And so, I continue to pray: Father, may Your will be done in Michael and Varney's lives, and in ours too. Amen.