When it's not enough

It has been too long since I've written. I've wanted to, but it takes time and energy and I don't seem to have extra to spare, but writing needs to take a new priority in my life. God is moving in my presence and I want people to hear the stories and give glory to God because He is here, with us, our Immanuel.

Today my heart is moved with grief, which drives me to write, whether I have the time or energy. I need to! I just returned from my fourth trip to Liberia in two years. I actually had to count it out, unbelievable. This trip was primarily about visiting well rehab sites with our partner, The Last Well, and connecting a donor with the village she put a well in. However, it turned out to be about much more than that. One of the unexpected, but common, events was the death of two mothers after childbirth. The first one is from Fenutoli, a large village we completed several well rehabs. Our Teamwork Africa pastors had an evangelistic outreach there in which over 80 people responded to the Gospel message. In getting to know the people, we were made aware of a tiny baby left behind after the death of her mother. Pastor Peter asked that the baby be brought to the guest house in Monrovia.

My friend, Diane, was at the house to receive the baby and named her Emma Louise. Baby Emma is tiny! I just prayed she would not stop breathing during the night. Please send angels to watch over her! The next morning, we took Emma to the hospital. She weighed 1.3 kgs. She seems stable and, God willing, she will be OK.

Baby Jeannie Elizabeth

The next day, Oretha received a call that the wife of a man she considers a brother had died at Phoebe hospital after childbirth, leaving behind a baby girl. Peter, again, asked for the baby to be brought to us. When the baby arrived, they asked me to name her. I hesitated. Oretha asked me what my mother's name is. My mom's name is Jean, so we named the baby Jeannie. Baby Jeannie had a headful of soft curly black hair.

We left Liberia on Sun and on Mon, Jeannie was taken to the hospital with malaria. Malaria is likely to have contributed to the death of her mother. She seemed to be doing OK at first, then convulsions developed. Othera, Peter's wife and a nurse, stayed with her in the hospital and the doctor changed her medicine. She improved enough to be discharged. However, Oretha readmitted her the next day. This time she didn't get better. Peter called me this morning to let me know Baby Jeannie had "expired" over night.

What mixed emotions. How do you receive tragedy gracefully? I know I don't know. I just feel numb, then guilty and helpless. Then angry and frustrated. Finally, broken and small. Is that the grief cycle?

I know we can't save every child, or at least I think I know that. No, actually, in my heart I DO want to believe we can save them all.  Of course that's not realistic, however, if I was trying to be realistic, I would have quit a long time ago. We just do what we can with what we have and believe it WILL be enough! Even if sometimes it's not. And sometimes we were too late. And sometimes we didn't have what we needed and sometimes there was nothing we could do. And that I guess this is where faith, not practicality comes in. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and no one hopes for what he already has, but waits for it. (Heb. 11:1, Rom. 8:24).

I concluded during my darkest days that God is good. In the middle of pain, confusion, loss, I clung to the truth that God is good. He will work things out for good. In the end, good will win. I am not a philosopher or some wise sage, I do not understand very much of this world. But, my soul is at peace because I know God knows all things.. I know He loves us.

I don't believe it was God's will for Baby Jeannie to lose her mother at birth and die at one week old. I don't think God makes people get malaria. It's part of the fall that wrecked everything. In parts of the world, like the US, we eradicated malaria carrying mosquitoes. Africa hasn't had that opportunity. Does God care more about Americans than Africans since they die of this tragic disease? No. Jesus declared that the kingdom of God is coming and has come. We are to declare the kingdom of God to the ends of the earth. And pray that His kingdom would come here, just like in heaven. Death will not win forever.