Missing you

Thursday night we had a living room full of friends come to hear about our trip to Liberia. Our friend, Joe, made an awesome video for us about the trip. I had a lump in my throat from the beginning as I saw the pictures of our Michael.

Sometimes, maybe it's easier to focus on the whole of Liberia than that one little boy I love so much. I was reading a friend's blog about hugging her son who was adopted a few years ago and the bond of trust that is still growing. Of course, I thought about hugging my own little boy, who I have now left twice and don't know when I will see him again.  

This is a picture of Michael taken after we left. My friend, Donna, was there. See, we had taken Michael with us to the airport the first time, when we thought we were going to leave. That 45 min drive, with Michael on my lap was so painful. Even though, I was disappointed that we got bumped from our flight, there was one little boy who wasn't sad at all. I am so thankful for the extra time we had with him, but not without a cost. The second time went to the airport, we didn't bring Michael with us. I asked to say good bye at Peter's house. Yes, I was the one who could not bear that long ride to the airport holding him. I told myself that it would be easier for him. That he would busy himself in his familiar surroundings after we left. That he would forget. 

As hard as it was for me to say good bye, I have no idea how that felt to him. And the pain I feel not knowing whether he feels abandoned by us is deep. The look on his face in this picture.

And yet, why the pain? Because of the joy. Because of love, Because of hope.

 When he was with us, he must have known he was loved. To hear him laugh when Mark tickled him, was the most beautiful music to me. Mark said I beamed when I watched them together.

I don't understand why. I can't explain how come God hasn't opened wide the way for him to be with us. But we pray. And, we pray. And really, all I know to do is pray and love and hope.