I miss you

A few weeks ago I was talking to Pastor Peter on the phone when unexpectedly, he gave his phone to Micheal. He said, "Hello.". I excitedly responded, "Hello, Micheal! How are you?" He replied, "I am fine. Tell my brother and sister hello" Then there was an awkward pause. Talking to Michael is something I treasure, but our conversations are very short since we don't often understand each other very well over the phone. But, after a pause, Michael said, "I miss you."  "Oh Michael, I miss you so much too!" And I was undone. The conversation ended and I needed to go take the dog for a walk.

So much of the time I think I'm OK with the waiting. Maybe I have just adjusted to the ache. Maybe I just try to ignore it. I don't know.

 

This is our first picture together. I have it in a frame over my computer with the title: Weight of Glory.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, 

works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. 

2 Cor. 4:17

I remember the first time I held him, the phase that came to my mind was "this is what the weight of glory feels like". All the praying and dreaming and imagining what it would be like to hold this child that holds my heart was mine to have. I could hold him, kiss his head, pray over him, sing over him, rock him, play with him and tell him over and over how much I loved him. I had the sweetest gift of holding him as he slept in my arms. As I left Liberia after that trip, I starting weeping as soon as the plane took off and cried all the way to Ghana. I sat in the middle of the middle row completely exposed. And I wept. 

And there are days, probably more than I would like to count, that I get that far off look and blink back the extra moisture. There are moments when the African American neighbor boy is playing with Dawson or I see a child Michael's age, or celebrate the coming home of a friend's long awaited child. There are times when I look for him- one two three four, where's... oh yeah, not here yet. 

But he is here. Ask my children. There is rarely a family prayer that doesn't include him. Just last week in VBS, on the day the kids learned about how God answers prayers, Grace's prayer was "for Michael in Liberia. That Michael would be safe." A couple days ago, Mark looked at the picture of me holding him and starting praying for him to come him. 

I miss you too, Michael. More than I let myself embrace. God is good. I know He is. There is reason and purpose in this pain. For now, sweet dreams, and may angels guide you through the night and wake you in the morning light. Amen.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you

I just had lunch with Grace at school and took the dog for a walk, actually, I needed the walk, I just took him with me. I was thinking about my thoughts about how it feels to be in Liberia and how it feels in the US. One thing I long for when I think of Liberia is how unstressed I feel. I just don't feel anxious in Liberia. All the things that don't really matter, really don't matter. Where, when, how we do things are just details. It will be done, at some point, some how, so why stress about it? I LOVE not knowing what time it is. There are really important things to care about and heart breaking things that make you cry out to God, but they are things that really matter. I think one reason I have so much more energy in Liberia is that I don't waste energy on things that don't really count.

In the US, things like time and schedules and plans and details matter a lot. Endless hours are spent on such things and organizing details. I get wrapped up in it. So much clutter in my life, so many distractions here. Someday I'm going to go through everything and "throw OUT everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles." (my paraphrase of Hebrews 12:1) In the US, it is much easier for me to feel like I am in control and I realize I am no more in control here than I am in Liberia. It is just an illusion.

And, I am beginning to wonder if the difference isn't really Liberia and US. Maybe it's just me. My birth in Liberia was one of utter dependance. I arrived on that first trip completely unable to provide for myself. If God didn't take me by the hand and lead me, I was lost. And, He did! There are so many lessons I continue to go back to on that first experience. God planted seeds of meaning that have taken months, maybe years to harvest. God is Lord of All, the US and Liberia. And He is the same in America and in Africa. So, must I be.

Some lessons take a long time to learn, and I know really cool people who have awesome life verses. I don't think I'm probably one of them. And I didn't choose this verse, I feel like it chose me because I keep being brought back here time after time. So here we go again. So, I say once again:

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. PS 116:7

As I told Mark recently, God doesn't need me to run Teamwork Africa, but I need Teamwork Africa to teach me about God.

Follow the missions trip

If you would like to follow the mission trip, please go to the Teamwork Africa blog We will be posting updates as often as we can. Either Debbie or I will, if the internet is working or we will call Debbie's husband and he will update it for us.

By Friday, I will be holding my Michael on my lap!

Liberia Missions Trip

I am so excited to be heading back to Liberia again. We will leave tomorrow. Here's the plan so far:

Mission Trip March 2012

Thurs March 15 Fly out of MSP,  and connecting flight in Altanta.

Pray for traveling mercies. It can be stressful! Pray that our eyes are on Jesus and not our circumstances. Pray that we are Jesus to those around us. 

Fri March 16 Arrive in Liberia. Pray that everything arrives with us safely and that we get through the airport without difficulty.

Sat. March 17 Women's conference. Peggy Halvorsen and Debbie Nutzmann will be the main speakers. Pray that we share what is on God's heart for these precious women. Pray that our hearts are bound together through the love and joy we share with one another.

Sunday March 18 Attend church at Eternal Love church and prepare our supplies for ministry.

Mon and Tues  We hope to deliver rice to the Starfish kids that are in Monrovia. We may have meeting about future agriculture projects and tour some schools. We hope to research education, medical, and agriculture practices.

Wed March 21 Leave early in the morning for the interior. Pray again for traveling mercies. The vehicle we will be taking does not have air conditioning. Pray for good weather.

 Thurs. March 22 We will be visiting several villages that have recently had wells dug in their communities. We will be doing medical outreach. The churches will be distributing clothes and joy bags. We will be spending one night in Kpeletayama and one in the missions house.


Fri March 23 Last day of visiting villages and then heading back to Monrovia. Pray for our health and safety, flat tires are common.

Sat. March 24 Celebration of Teamwork Africa first anniversary.

Sun March 25 Attend church and head for the airport. Our flight heads out at about 6 pm.

Mon March 26 Arrive back at MSP and home.

Hannah's love

1 Samuel 17:19 And his mother used to make for him a little robe and take it to him each year when she went up with her husband to offer the yearly sacrifice.

I felt like Hannah this morning. I am packing for my third trip to Liberia for the third visit to see my son Michael. He is a whole year older and bigger since last time I saw him, held him. I went through the boxes in the closet of clothes carefully stored away for his homecoming and once again packed up things to take to him. 

I felt comforted by the story of Hannah. She knew just what it feels like to pack clothes for an annual visit to see your son.  Questions come to mind that I don't allow to linger long, but long enough. Will he still let me hold him? Does he wonder why I don't come for him? But, if I have learned anything it is to trust. God sees the beginning from the end. He always does what is right and good. I am small and foolish and weak. Who am I to give advice to the Most High? Nope, not me. I will be still and know that He is good.

May my heart sing as Hannah's did. (1 Samuel 2)

 ¹ Then Hannah prayed:
   “My heart rejoices in the LORD!
      The LORD has made me strong.^[a]
   Now I have an answer for my enemies;
      I rejoice because you rescued me.
 ² No one is holy like the LORD!
      There is no one besides you;
      there is no Rock like our God.
 ³ “Stop acting so proud and haughty!
      Don’t speak with such arrogance!
   For the LORD is a God who knows what you have done;
      he will judge your actions.
 ⁴ The bow of the mighty is now broken,
      and those who stumbled are now strong.
 ⁵ Those who were well fed are now starving,
      and those who were starving are now full.
   The childless woman now has seven children,
      and the woman with many children wastes away.
 ⁶ The LORD gives both death and life;
      he brings some down to the grave^[b] but raises others up.
 ⁷ The LORD makes some poor and others rich;
      he brings some down and lifts others up.
 ⁸ He lifts the poor from the dust
      and the needy from the garbage dump.
   He sets them among princes,
      placing them in seats of honor.
   For all the earth is the LORD’s,
      and he has set the world in order.
 

Small Steps

I don't know if you've ever thought about writing an autobiography. I haven't really given it serious consideration, but a while ago Mark and I were talking about what we would name it. My title was "Small steps in the Right Direction". That reminds me of the scripture that has guided me this year is Hebrews 12:1-4.

 ¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.

We are all on a journey. Mine has felt like a marathon and I am not a runner! And, learning to pace myself takes discipline. So, I am learning to throw off distractions and let go of little sins that trip me up. I am focused on Jesus. I have a race to run. Not only that, but 1 Cor. 9:24 says:

²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! 

 I will run to win and not give up. To do that, I accept that joy and sorrow are bound together on the journey.. If I refuse to accept sorrow, I am disqualified from joy. Look back at Jesus' example from Heb. 12 it was the joy before Him that gave Him the courage to endure the cross. My blog may look like one of continual sorrow.  But I believe 2Cor. 4:17.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 

I choose not to waste sorrow in my life, but to let it shape me and change me. I refuse to become hard, but allow my heart to be broken. I have yet to experience a pain so deep that God's mercy did not carry me through. 

Today my heart is heavy because my dear brother in Liberia, Pastor Peter, is very ill. He has experienced severe pain for over a week. I have prayed. I have asked others to pray. I don't understand why God allows him to suffer so much. My heart has felt bruised. I know Papa allows us to ask our "why" questions, although He rarely answers them. I just keep going back to the song I posted recently "Trust His Heart". 

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

Carries me though

This time of year is so full of thoughts of Michael for me. Today we were getting coats, snow pants, hats and mittens ready for school tomorrow from the pile of such items accumulated in the entry way. As I sorted and organized, I found a small yellow jacket, too small for Dawson. Before I could stop it the thought "I wonder if this would fit Michael" sailed through my mind.

There are draws full of clothes that are already too small for him. There is a closet and bed waiting. His name is on the wall. He is present in this house even though his body has never been here.

Some times it doesn't ache so deeply. But lately, it does. Every beautiful dark skinned child is a reminder of my son. I do trust that God knows what He is doing. I do believe that God is working out His good purposes for Michael and for us. But it would be misleading to suggest that faith and trust take away confusion and pain. No, they are the strength that carries me through.