Hannah's love

1 Samuel 17:19 And his mother used to make for him a little robe and take it to him each year when she went up with her husband to offer the yearly sacrifice.

I felt like Hannah this morning. I am packing for my third trip to Liberia for the third visit to see my son Michael. He is a whole year older and bigger since last time I saw him, held him. I went through the boxes in the closet of clothes carefully stored away for his homecoming and once again packed up things to take to him. 

I felt comforted by the story of Hannah. She knew just what it feels like to pack clothes for an annual visit to see your son.  Questions come to mind that I don't allow to linger long, but long enough. Will he still let me hold him? Does he wonder why I don't come for him? But, if I have learned anything it is to trust. God sees the beginning from the end. He always does what is right and good. I am small and foolish and weak. Who am I to give advice to the Most High? Nope, not me. I will be still and know that He is good.

May my heart sing as Hannah's did. (1 Samuel 2)

 ¹ Then Hannah prayed:
   “My heart rejoices in the LORD!
      The LORD has made me strong.^[a]
   Now I have an answer for my enemies;
      I rejoice because you rescued me.
 ² No one is holy like the LORD!
      There is no one besides you;
      there is no Rock like our God.
 ³ “Stop acting so proud and haughty!
      Don’t speak with such arrogance!
   For the LORD is a God who knows what you have done;
      he will judge your actions.
 ⁴ The bow of the mighty is now broken,
      and those who stumbled are now strong.
 ⁵ Those who were well fed are now starving,
      and those who were starving are now full.
   The childless woman now has seven children,
      and the woman with many children wastes away.
 ⁶ The LORD gives both death and life;
      he brings some down to the grave^[b] but raises others up.
 ⁷ The LORD makes some poor and others rich;
      he brings some down and lifts others up.
 ⁸ He lifts the poor from the dust
      and the needy from the garbage dump.
   He sets them among princes,
      placing them in seats of honor.
   For all the earth is the LORD’s,
      and he has set the world in order.
 

Small Steps

I don't know if you've ever thought about writing an autobiography. I haven't really given it serious consideration, but a while ago Mark and I were talking about what we would name it. My title was "Small steps in the Right Direction". That reminds me of the scripture that has guided me this year is Hebrews 12:1-4.

 ¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.

We are all on a journey. Mine has felt like a marathon and I am not a runner! And, learning to pace myself takes discipline. So, I am learning to throw off distractions and let go of little sins that trip me up. I am focused on Jesus. I have a race to run. Not only that, but 1 Cor. 9:24 says:

²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! 

 I will run to win and not give up. To do that, I accept that joy and sorrow are bound together on the journey.. If I refuse to accept sorrow, I am disqualified from joy. Look back at Jesus' example from Heb. 12 it was the joy before Him that gave Him the courage to endure the cross. My blog may look like one of continual sorrow.  But I believe 2Cor. 4:17.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 

I choose not to waste sorrow in my life, but to let it shape me and change me. I refuse to become hard, but allow my heart to be broken. I have yet to experience a pain so deep that God's mercy did not carry me through. 

Today my heart is heavy because my dear brother in Liberia, Pastor Peter, is very ill. He has experienced severe pain for over a week. I have prayed. I have asked others to pray. I don't understand why God allows him to suffer so much. My heart has felt bruised. I know Papa allows us to ask our "why" questions, although He rarely answers them. I just keep going back to the song I posted recently "Trust His Heart". 

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

Carries me though

This time of year is so full of thoughts of Michael for me. Today we were getting coats, snow pants, hats and mittens ready for school tomorrow from the pile of such items accumulated in the entry way. As I sorted and organized, I found a small yellow jacket, too small for Dawson. Before I could stop it the thought "I wonder if this would fit Michael" sailed through my mind.

There are draws full of clothes that are already too small for him. There is a closet and bed waiting. His name is on the wall. He is present in this house even though his body has never been here.

Some times it doesn't ache so deeply. But lately, it does. Every beautiful dark skinned child is a reminder of my son. I do trust that God knows what He is doing. I do believe that God is working out His good purposes for Michael and for us. But it would be misleading to suggest that faith and trust take away confusion and pain. No, they are the strength that carries me through.

Trust His Heart

All things work for our good though sometimes we can't see how they could
struggles that break our hearts in two sometimes blinds us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan And He holds our future in His hands
So don't live as those who have no hope All our hope is found in Him

We see the present clearly But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me to someday be just like Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He alone is faithful and true He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don't understand  When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand trust His heart

Go to an October post to hear the song.

Joy and sorrow of the season

I have thought about posting often, but not motivated enough to write. Nov. 7 was Michael's birthday. I thought about him constantly all week. Thanksgiving weekend is the three year anniversary of our first homestudy appointment. And, Dec. 13 will be three years since I saw Michael's picture for the first time with the question, "Could this be your son?" Again, this Christmas we put up the decorations that we thought for sure he'd be here for this year. I hang up his stocking, again. Open his box of ornaments, he gets one every year too.

No one asks me what I want for Christmas, It would be silly. There is only one thing and maybe next year he'll be here.

One year ago today I left Liberia after my first visit

All this week I've been reliving my first visit to Liberia last year. The day I arrived. The first time I saw Michael. Drinking water from Habakkuk's Well. And today, leaving. It's been a bittersweet week. I wish I was there again this year.

As the plane lifted off from Roberts International airport, I began crying and I sobbed all the way to Accra. I sat in the middle of the middle row, not a good spot for a private emotional breakdown. Oh well.

So much has happened in one year. Only God could have known what He had in store for me. I can't wait to see what happens this year.

Trust His Heart