Not The Road I would Choose

Today I was subbing in 4th grade. The students were just finishing a read aloud called Mary On Horseback by Rosemary Wells. "In 1923, there were no doctors or hospitals in the isolated mountains of Appalachia. Then Mary Breckinridge came. Trained as a nurse, she made the Appalachians her life's work-fording icy streams and climbing untracked mountains to bring medical help to those in need."

Mary Breckinridge married as a young woman and her husband died. She remarried and had two babies that both died and then her second husband died. She was in despair. But, out of that despair she decided to become a nurse and go to those who needed help. She wanted to save children since she knew the pain of losing her own.

As I'm reading the end of this story, I am barely holding my voice steady. Then when the book is finished, little Libby in the front row says, "You are like her aren't you, Mrs. Halvorsen? " Yeah, I said. I reminded those who maybe had forgotten about the little boy I lost to cholera and how I wanted to save the other children in the villages. I didn't do a very good job with my emotions this time. I ended class 5 minutes early.

This isn't the road I would choose for me, but it still feels right somehow.

So this is what it feels like to walk the wilderness
This is what it feels like to come undone
This is what it feels like to lose my confidence
Unsure of anything or anyone

So this is what it feels like to walk the desert sand
This is what it feels like to hear my name
To be scared to death ’cause I’m all alone
But feel love and peace just the same
This may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me as I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led
So this is what it feels like to just fall apart
To be totally unglued
To find out that if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of You
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
I have never felt You as close to me as I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led
So this is what it feels like to just walk away
From everything I thought kept me safe
To depend just on You for every meal
And find that it’s better this way
Oh, it’s better this way
This may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me as I do right now
Like I do right now
This may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt You as close to me as I do right now
So this is what it feels like to be led
This is what it feels like to be led
So this is what it feels like”

What it feels like – by FFH

  

The life you have

A few weeks ago I took my neighbor's two little boys to AWANA with my kids. As we were leaving and I was..um.. herding (?) the six kids the the van, it struck me that this would have been my life if things had gone as I had planned. The extra two boys are 8 and 5, about the same ages of Michael and Habakkuk.

The life you have instead of the one you wanted. This isn't the way I thought things would go four years ago. I never imagined the pain so deep, the loss so great. I couldn't have dreamed of the joy so sweet or a purpose so meaningful. I'm so glad God has never asked my opinion of what He should do in my life.

This journey of love. I laugh when I read that title now. I had no idea. "Sometimes love leads to unlikely places". Well, I guess so. 

Merry Christmas

Dear Michael,

It's Christmas Eve. Another year and you still aren't here. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care... yours is there too, but it hangs empty tonight. We sent sent to you with a wire transfer and an email message, sending you our love. Wanting so much for you to know you are loved and missed.

I can't think of a better place for you right now then where you are, given the options we have. I am so very grateful for the Flomo family to love and care for you. To send you to school and provide for your needs. I am so thankful.

And yet. there are moments when we stop and think what it would have been like for you to be with us tonight. Going to Grandma and Grandpa's house, riding on the snowmobile, opening presents, cuddled in the back of the van with the other kids, tucking you in, kissing you good night, wishing you a merry Christmas.

What was God thinking when He put you in our hearts? What did He want us to know about longing and hope and perseverance? And what did He want to show you?

I miss you tonight, Michael Immanuel. (Who is like our God? Our God is with us) I am trusting God tonight, who is with us even a world away. So, once again, I ask that the angels kiss you softly and watch over you while you sleep. That you will know how loved you are.

Sweet Christmas dreams, little son.
Mama Peggy

Another birthday

It was Michael's 8th birthday this week. We received his very first picture just after he turned 4 yrs old, almost four years ago. My first visit to see him was just before his 6th birthday. I've been able to see him four times in the past two years. And I am so very grateful for that.

We will know more about adoption in Liberia in Jan when the Senate approves the lift of the ban on adoptions that the parliament passed last fall. We believe adoptions will begin to be processed this spring. There is a lot to do before that and we are doing what we can to get ready. 

There are still many, many days when it feels like it will never happen. I am so thankful for the occasional comment from a friend that they are praying for us. It is so encouraging at our prayer group when one of our prayer partners lifts up the adoption and Michael before I do. Sometimes I am just tired of praying the same prayer over and over. "God, I know Your timing is perfect. I know You love him more than we do. I know You have a good plan for his life. Thank you for working all of this longing and waiting into something that brings You honor. Thank you for the ways this experience has shaped our family and touched many others' lives. You are good and I know You are working good in me and in Michael.  Amen."

I saw this on another blog. It is worth sharing. I linked the title to the source.

A Prayer for Children

Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.

God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.

Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.

And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.

Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.

Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being

Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.

When it's not enough

It has been too long since I've written. I've wanted to, but it takes time and energy and I don't seem to have extra to spare, but writing needs to take a new priority in my life. God is moving in my presence and I want people to hear the stories and give glory to God because He is here, with us, our Immanuel.

Today my heart is moved with grief, which drives me to write, whether I have the time or energy. I need to! I just returned from my fourth trip to Liberia in two years. I actually had to count it out, unbelievable. This trip was primarily about visiting well rehab sites with our partner, The Last Well, and connecting a donor with the village she put a well in. However, it turned out to be about much more than that. One of the unexpected, but common, events was the death of two mothers after childbirth. The first one is from Fenutoli, a large village we completed several well rehabs. Our Teamwork Africa pastors had an evangelistic outreach there in which over 80 people responded to the Gospel message. In getting to know the people, we were made aware of a tiny baby left behind after the death of her mother. Pastor Peter asked that the baby be brought to the guest house in Monrovia.

My friend, Diane, was at the house to receive the baby and named her Emma Louise. Baby Emma is tiny! I just prayed she would not stop breathing during the night. Please send angels to watch over her! The next morning, we took Emma to the hospital. She weighed 1.3 kgs. She seems stable and, God willing, she will be OK.

Baby Jeannie Elizabeth

The next day, Oretha received a call that the wife of a man she considers a brother had died at Phoebe hospital after childbirth, leaving behind a baby girl. Peter, again, asked for the baby to be brought to us. When the baby arrived, they asked me to name her. I hesitated. Oretha asked me what my mother's name is. My mom's name is Jean, so we named the baby Jeannie. Baby Jeannie had a headful of soft curly black hair.

We left Liberia on Sun and on Mon, Jeannie was taken to the hospital with malaria. Malaria is likely to have contributed to the death of her mother. She seemed to be doing OK at first, then convulsions developed. Othera, Peter's wife and a nurse, stayed with her in the hospital and the doctor changed her medicine. She improved enough to be discharged. However, Oretha readmitted her the next day. This time she didn't get better. Peter called me this morning to let me know Baby Jeannie had "expired" over night.

What mixed emotions. How do you receive tragedy gracefully? I know I don't know. I just feel numb, then guilty and helpless. Then angry and frustrated. Finally, broken and small. Is that the grief cycle?

I know we can't save every child, or at least I think I know that. No, actually, in my heart I DO want to believe we can save them all.  Of course that's not realistic, however, if I was trying to be realistic, I would have quit a long time ago. We just do what we can with what we have and believe it WILL be enough! Even if sometimes it's not. And sometimes we were too late. And sometimes we didn't have what we needed and sometimes there was nothing we could do. And that I guess this is where faith, not practicality comes in. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and no one hopes for what he already has, but waits for it. (Heb. 11:1, Rom. 8:24).

I concluded during my darkest days that God is good. In the middle of pain, confusion, loss, I clung to the truth that God is good. He will work things out for good. In the end, good will win. I am not a philosopher or some wise sage, I do not understand very much of this world. But, my soul is at peace because I know God knows all things.. I know He loves us.

I don't believe it was God's will for Baby Jeannie to lose her mother at birth and die at one week old. I don't think God makes people get malaria. It's part of the fall that wrecked everything. In parts of the world, like the US, we eradicated malaria carrying mosquitoes. Africa hasn't had that opportunity. Does God care more about Americans than Africans since they die of this tragic disease? No. Jesus declared that the kingdom of God is coming and has come. We are to declare the kingdom of God to the ends of the earth. And pray that His kingdom would come here, just like in heaven. Death will not win forever. 

He knows your name

Last week, Pastor Peter, our friend and ministry partner, was participating in a village council. This community had broken wells and those wells were being restored. Here are Peter’s words:

"We were welcomed by the town council. The Chief is a lady and she was so excited to see this rehab work come to their village.  With their councilmen listening to our conversation, I told them that God had invited the efforts of Teamwork Africa and that of The Last Well to go to where the need of clean water is even before the foundation of the world.  One curious elderly man asked me how God knew our names and villages since we have no one presence in the government.  I then began to share the Gospel from his question and presented to them the Attributes of God; one of which is His Omniscient power.  This led to the conversion of four souls.  The pastor, Jeffry, was asked to disciple these men.  The Teamwork Africa pastoral team is going to have three days of evangelistic outreach in this village by the end of this month."
 
This story brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I wanted to cry out, “Yes!” He knows your name. He knows your village. He has not forgotten you. You are so very precious to Him.
August 16 to 26 I have the opportunity to visit many of these villages that are getting their wells repaired through our partnership with The Last Well. I am so excited and humbled to have the opportunity to proclaim Christ to these communities. To look in the eyes of the men, women, and children and confidently declare, “You are not forgotten. The Lord God sees you. He knows your names. And, He loves you.”

God has blessed me so much! I have already raised over half the funds I need for this outreach. I need about $1000 more. We are also hoping to bring an additional $400 to provide 50lb bags of rice to about 10 unsponsored Starfish kids. My travel companions are excited to visit the village of Tumatai. They helped put a well in this community last year and they want to develop a relationship with them. I am eager to see what God has planned!

We will also be meeting in Liberia with our partners, The Last Well. Several organizations will meet together to discuss how we can work together to bring clean water and the Gospel to Liberia. While Teamwork Africa’s vision is broader than clean water, we are very excited about the opportunity to be part of bringing the Gospel through water.

Would you please consider “going with me” by supporting this outreach? Checks can be made out to Teamwork Africa. Please don’t write my name in the memo so that you will be able to receive a tax deduction for your gift. Just write my name on the bottom of the return envelope or put a sticky note on the check. Thank you so much!
Please pray for me. I will be posting updates at www.teamworkafrica.org. This is our brand new website!
God is so very good!

You can send donations to: Teamwork Africa 2920 Bobbie St. Eau Claire, WI 54703